Love Is Confusing
I, for the past three summers have spent my time thinking about this frustrating man. Three summers have come and gone and I have lost almost two years of my life pining for this bastard that I honestly couldn’t stand. Do I love him, yes probably always will, but I cannot stand him. He is the most infuriating person I ever had to interact with. He was constantly down bad for other girls in my face. He could not shut up about how he didn’t care how close the rest of our friend group was, but he didn’t really know any of us and we didn’t know him. This subject came up constantly! Again and again I rolled my eyes at the issues of intimacy he seemed to have and yet when it came to us I batted my eyelashes and settled for what little he gave.
In my last post I implied that he could never be the villain and my reasoning for this is at least he was upfront. How am I going to get mad at a man who showed me from the very beginning what he thought of me? I once told him that for the first year we knew each other I assumed he hated me. I can’t remember now his exact response, but I’m sure he laughed it off and told me he felt like we had been friends from our first interaction. I didn’t see this. I am often blind to quite obvious signs, but annoyance, hatred, disregard those are rarely emotions one can forsake for anything else. Perhaps our shaky foundation doomed us as he didn’t dare forget to remind me, we never truly knew each other.
Everything about us annoys me.
Why was there ever an us? I don’t regret anything I just wonder If I had more self assurance and self worth if I would continue talking to a man who I thought was keeping us a secret to avoid scrutiny from our friend group was actually keeping us secret because I was never important enough to him to bring to light. That is the only consensus I can come to when he revealed he was talking to 5 other girls after I pissed him off because I believed he was insulting my affections as easy to earn. Perhaps I should have dropped everything when he spit that my anger was to “losing to them” rather than to thinking I was ever as important to him as he was to me.
This is my biggest issue. When It comes to love I love the best and worst parts of my lover. When it comes to love I can’t help but go over the cliff head straight into obsession I write (and will eventually publish this) as a testament to myself to get over it! Get over it! It happened and it hurt and you loved and you lost. And it sucks.
Don’t get me wrong I know my feelings are valid, but I have so many of these feelings. I am constantly led my heart and it leads me to blow up after blow up and it never does me any good. When I’m angry Im enraged. When i’m happy I’m ecstatic. When I’m sad Im thrown into a full blown depressive episode. So yes, I loved him and he didn’t love me back and I didn’t ask him to love me back, but also we haven’t spoken in a year. He is living his life and I am living mine.
At the very least I am trying to live mine…
So It happened like this I moved to a big city far different from the suburbs and small town I grew up in and I downloaded every dating app in existence. The biggest problem and the reason I jump over the cliff into obsession so quickly is that I grew up with fantastical notions of love. I want my prince charming and my fairy tale ending. I want my white picket fence, five kids, two dogs, and my adoring wealthy older husband to come home to. The modern dating scene doesn’t leave room for me to explore these notions outside of the church or organized religion which means I have to first contend with my beliefs in God and religion before I ever find the man of my dreams. (God help me fr fr.)
Fantastical beliefs on love aside I also do not know how to interact with people, especially men who may be romantically attracted to me. With HIM it was easy because if I think a man hates me then I frankly don’t give a damn about what he thinks and will say whatever the hell I want. With other men I want to make a good first impression. I want them to think that I’m normal enough to take on a first date so I can assess whether they fit my extremely specific niche-ly tailored lists for what I want in a partner. I, as any normal person can tell from this blog don’t make it very far with men who don’t find how insane I am the least bit endearing. Yet, there was one guy in particular who I actively communicated with and made clear from the beginning that I am much more bearable if you know me personally first.
BC (Brazilian Carpenter) was nice enough. He was a goner though the second he got lost and couldn’t follow google maps to the cafe we chose to meet at. I can’t even tell my rights from lefts so a man who can read a map correctly is a must! However it was my first date in a new city so I decided what the hell I’ve never done this before. He did pay for coffee, but then kept talking about how hungry he was and when I told him pick a place he didn’t want to eat if I wasn’t hungry. I know, i know, i know this sounds insane on my part, but we were together for like 4 hours. If you’re hungry eat! I have anxiety attacks figuring out what I want to eat and if I even am hungry, so a man with a routine who knows when he wants to eat is the kind of man I need. I grew up with a single mother and would eat breakfast, snack through out the day, and then late at night anywhere from 8 to 11pm we would pick a restaurant and go eat. That’s how every weekend went for me for about the 15 years that I can remember. Is this disorder behavior…maybe…but! With my dad he eats on a routine, three times a day with snacks in between. So even if I don’t eat every meal or snack with him, he will still eat and I will tag along and nibble on something. Is this my bad and is it BC’s bad, no. This long rant is all to say that I learn very early on whether or not I can be with a man in unique ways.
Another reason I did ghost after the first date was the awkward way we touched. I am a very affectionate person, mostly. I love hugging and touching and linking arms and all the flirty touching too. I say this all to say I know when the person touching is not supposed to be touching me. As Aforementioned I have a difficult relationship with God and organized religion and this is something I will get around to contending with eventually I’m sure, but one thing I do know is that if there is a God he lets me know when a man is absolutely not mine. The first guy I ever actually liked enough to hang out with ditched me and then dropped me as a friend, the second dude I could not hang out with him without getting a headache. Many men have said many off putting things to me, but they’re men very rarely do I take what they say with any sincerity. So had BC already been a little off putting, yes, had he made me a little uncomfortable yes, but his biggest crime was his nail biting and the way my hand felt in his.
Fate exists and it is very real in my eyes. When you know, you know, and I knew we would never meet again. My hand did not fit in his and my heart would not be his as his would not be mine. I love flawed men! This is not an attack on unsure, kind, quiet men! I just want to be with someone who knows what they want and is sincere about it and firm on this stance. I am insane, I am picky, I am easily annoyed, disgusted, pissed off, and I love so willingly. I just want a love that is deserving of all i have to offer. A love that wants all I have to offer.
When I am driven to bouts of insanity and when I go over that cliff it is because on some level I see them meet me at the edge and I pray that when I jump they jump too. I pray that they jump before I do. That they fall deeper than I do. So yes I couldn’t stand HIM and a part of me will always be frustrated by HIM, but until the next time someone meets me at that cliff I am stuck over the edge all alone in the depths of this confusion we call love
