“I can’t make it go away by making you the villain…”

it’s been a year since we drew a line in the sand and more than ever i wish i could erase it. how do i still feel this way after all these months. after 365 days away from you i should be clean, i should be free. i wonder if you feel the same.

i wonder if you still think about us. maybe not in the same way i think about us, but nonetheless a singular thought would warm me enough to melt the polar ice caps. you never claimed to be only mine, but i hoped you knew i was only yours. even now 365 days since we last let the dust settle a part of me will always be yours.

before you i’ve loved and let go. i’ve loved and felt the intense rush of obsession that slowly faded until i forgot about them. i keep an ongoing list of all the men i’ve ever felt this rush for and for years the list grew and grew until it got to you. it’s like my heart and my head can’t handle what comes after you.

and right now it seems there is no after you. the more i let go the bigger the preceding rush is. the more i forget to think about you the more you flush my heart with adrenaline. i don’t love conditionally. i don’t love expecting love in return. love has forsaken me for far too long to believe that i’m owed love. that’s the most bittersweet part of us.

i know and i can confidently say that i loved you. i loved you even when i thought you hated me. i loved you even when you let me know you weren’t only mine. i loved you even when spewed your anger at me. if you need to be mean be mean to me. if you need to be cruel be cruel to me. if you need an outlet for everything the world holds against you i would be there to take it all.

perhaps that’s why the heavens have kept your heart from me. no heart is ever a fair trade for everything a person has to offer. no validation will ever make not loving someone fair.

more than anything it is this that keeps me from you. i love you with everything i have and every fibre of my being, but i love me more. i love myself enough to understand this isn’t healthy. i love myself enough to understand that if we were right for each other you would love me too. you would care for me as i care for you.

i cant be your friend when i have loved you as more. i cant be in your path if i know i am not where it ends. i will subject my self to the road not taken. i will subject myself to another love. for my heart and my head and my warmth and my soul are enough for me. they are enough to keep me alive and to fulfill myself.

my laughter warms me. i am funny enough for myself. i make myself laugh. i make myself cum. i make myself these worlds and i thought i was building one with you. you tore down every home i planned in one breath. you hurt me in a new way i had never experienced. you made me question if i was pretty, if i was smart, if i was kind. you made me question myself. you made feel uncomfortable and unconnected to my own being, to my own fate. when i find myself loving you i think of all the times your words made me want to hate myself. when i find myself loving you i remember how little you did me.

but you’re no villain for not loving me and i’m no martyr for loving you. all is fair in love and in love we have both won and lost. you will fulfill your duty and honor. i will find a love that does not ask me to love in private. you will get to shout your love from the rooftops and i will have my love shout for me. i pray that you get everything you want. that everything you asked for is already yours. i pray that i never have to cross your path again and that the invisible string i see tethering between us is cut. i pray that you’re mine. that you love me as i love you. i pray that every step you take leads you to me. only god knows what are fates will be. only god knows how the universe will end our tales.

all i know is i love you. i love all the parts of you that you let me see and i love the parts you kept away. i love you from sunset to sunrise from east to west. you are a part of me as i wish i was a part of you. you are human and you are fair. the price i paid for heaven was my sanity and i would pay it again and again. for love and for us.