You have to want it for yourself, and I do!

No matter how much you love someone you can’t love them into a future they don’t want. You can only know yourself. You have to be okay with closing the door on a relationship or a career or a life that isn’t serving you. It hurts and it sucks that my real ended, but I will marry someone who wants to be a husband and who wants to be a father. Not because it’s what you’re supposed to want, not because it’s what’s right and it’s how things are meant to go, but because he is making an active decision to take part in that life.

So though his words hurt to hear and still sting I will be okay because there’s a man out there who will choose me over and over again as I do him. Who will love me as much as I love him. Because I am full of love and if you’re not capable of accepting that, of not tolerating that, but loving that about me then you can’t truly love me. I love loud and huge and boisterous. My personality is vibrant and my life is full of joy and wonder and love. Loving is my nature. I love the beach and yoga and rejuvenating juices, but also clubbing and getting wasted and ending up halfway across the city with no plans. I love being young and being soft and being able to have that safe space with my partner, but I am also brash, independent, and demanding.

It will be difficult to be vulnerable in that way again but not impossible and not a part of myself I will hide away either. I like being submissive and led. But I also exist in my life outside of that headspace. I can be both I am both. I am going to find someone capable of loving me with and because all of this.

Before our relationship ended I asked him if he had a dream girl. The obvious would have been you of course, but in that moment he paused took a second and said no I’ve never thought about that. There’s little things looking back and big ones too of course where you think oh this wasn’t gonna work out. In that moment I reflected on my dream guy. My wishlist. For what it’s worth he ticked almost every box. But what’s perfect on paper doesn’t take into account the nuances of a lived existence. The checklist doesn’t leave room for the faults and flaws we all share. It’s a lesson that I stayed true to myself and my wants and needs in a relationship.

Part of growing is assessing the relationships around you and understanding what lessons to take from them. There’s always compromise and part of this promise of tolerance. You allow certain things in a relationship, hoping the good will outweigh the bad. You love a person as they are and decide whether choosing them day after day is worth the pain. I was very grateful he didn’t have any of the big ones. No addiction or debilitating mental illnesses, no cheating or abuse. Things that you don’t say out-loud but when the thought does cross you thank the universe for.

I am uncompromising and unwavering because I know that i deserve everything i want. I don’t have an ache in my soul that tells me I don’t deserve the things my heart desires. I didn’t need to change anything about myself to find love and I don’t need to change anything about myself to be loved. After a breakup I often see people rushing to get past it to move on and bounce back. I am okay sitting with the grief. I didn’t ask for too much. I didn’t ask someone to change fundamentally who they are. I accepted someone for the fullness of their existence. Flaws and all I love him. There’s no in the next life for us. We got our love in this life and it’s okay for the chapter to end, for the book to close.

Love is not a rigid structure that must operate in one way or the other. Love is flexible expanding notion. It’s an exercise in expression. Through our actions and understanding we practice everyday our loving. We can love even when we walk away, sometimes love is accepting we have to walk away. What’s important to understand is that the love was and is a part of the journey. At the end of our lives when we face all we’ve done and been and seen we have to be willing to accept that we did what was necessary for ourselves.

In this moment im living in though I find a lot of my friends and confidants wanting me to hate my ex. I can’t bring myself to do more than critique. Our invisible strings crossed momentarily and allowed me to face so much about myself that even in our end I thank him for. He loved me for who I am and who I was. In my insecurities and rage and darkest moments he was a shoulder to lean on and lighthouse guiding me through the destructive waves of my inner turmoil.  He was strong and solid and soft. My favorite part of him was that he was fully his own person. So in the end he deserves to be his own person.

Our final call, I choked back tears and nodded to myself in understanding. It was a rather quiet call. I remember from the second I picked up the phone not quite recognizing the person on the other side. And perhaps that’s what makes a breakup so bittersweet. I get to keep the person I did know in a snow globe in my mind and not have to get to know someone new. I have to accept that I won’t get to and he won’t get to meet the new me.

He won’t know the me after. I get to know all of me and every me. I get to see how far I can go. How wide the world can get without him. Because I know what I want out of life. I know what paths I want to take and I can make these mistakes alone. Ain’t there a beauty in loneliness. A silence in not having to try for someone. A gift in being present.

Now that there’s no plan, there’s a million. I always wanted to go to Chicago, so I went on our anniversary trip alone. I’m not on anyone’s timeline so I book a trip to DC, and two more later this year to Philly and who knows where next. I’m not meeting anyone at the airport, not worried about what they might think or want. For now I want to be selfish. I want to be risky and fast and loose. I buy the bag and go to the concert. I kiss the guy at the bar and text the lawyer after midnight. Maybe next week I’ll have dinner with the resident?

I want it all for myself and so I’ll get it all myself! My husband is out there and he knows what he wants. When it’s time, it’ll all fall into place not because I was desperate or compromising or passive, but because I wanted it and I willed it. I have big expectations!