do i believe in an all consuming obsessive love? yes! why else would i be here

it seems like mere months ago I was head over heels obsessive for Mr. raion and while I still believe that he is one of the most attractive man in this mind numbing city I think that in the long term it was never gonna be him. I am a very serious relationship person, but I don’t settle quickly I want a man who lives life in a compatible way to me. So while I appreciate the joyous and very exciting life that the young Mr. Raion may live i think he might overdo it a bit. Frankly, I am going to be the wife and mother of at least three children to a man who wants to be a husband and a father, not someone who happens to fall into these roles.

I think that too often people view women who aspire to marry as bimbos with nothing going for them as if all of our aren’t goals some sort of egotistical prize.  So what I dream to be, the highly educated well rounded polyglot wife to a sophisticated older man, a girl can dream can’t she? There are many things in this world that I want to be and I harp on all of them! I am going to be a renowned photographer and rub shoulders with the who’s who of the fashion world. I’m going to release many novels and someday win a Pulitzer Prize but I’m going to do it all with my amazing husband and our gorgeous children by my side.

"would things be easier if there was a right way? honey there is no right way!" - hozier

"would things be easier if there was a right way? honey there is no right way!" - hozier

Having a southern upbringing and having Latin American immigrant parents means that I am the most ideal prospect of falling into a hopeless romantic categorization. I don’t dream about love. I spend almost every waking moment thinking about it. When I am working, I think about how much better it would be to work with the goal in mind of going home to my husband and children. When I work on passion project such as my blog or my photography I think about how cool it will be that in 10 years i’m showing these pieces to my husband and my children. When I talk to my friends and we discuss gossip about our ongoing lives I think about how much I can’t wait until I’m shoeing away my husband and putting down my children so that I can sneak away to have these conversations. I think that some people make their lives about their husbands and some people make their lives about their boyfriends and their partners, but I think if you’re not overbearing with it then what’s the problem?

some of us didn’t have these great romances from their parents to write to the moon about. Some of us grew up in broken homes that were the result of parents who had broken homes and I love my parents dearly and they’re better for not having stayed together (that would’ve given me an even worse view of love than I think I view it now) there’s just a slight part of me that wonders if they could have made it work? Not for my sake, I have forgotten the dreams of them ever being together, but for the sake of their own happiness and fulfillment what if they let their ego die, and worked through the issues that tore them apart? what if they didn’t let their pride stop them from communicating with each other and they were able to get to the root of their issues and address their traumas? When I say all I think about is love people think I’m just going through it romanticizing every aspect of it, but I think about how much we let go when we hold onto too much of what has happened and not who we could be.

I am a highly reflective person and often it’s why I think I get lost in writing these blog post is I spent so much time talking to myself. It’s easy to put into words how I’m feeling and how I perceive the world and things that happened around me. I think this is part of why I romanticize love so much is that I am so capable of expanding my mind past what I am, in theory at the very least. However, I can be cruel and outright mean. I think men are stupid and I don’t have the patience to put up with them. I have so much of myself to give to you and there’s so much I want to do for you, but I can’t allow myself to do that if I don’t feel that there’s reciprocation. Love is an act. It’s a choice to keep choosing someone whether it be a friendship, family or a romantic partnership. I cannot allow myself to give the best of myself to someone who only wants to give me the worst or the meh of themselves.

Women gives so much of ourselves to the men that we love so often women take nurturing rules for their boyfriends, and this is partially why I tend to avoid young men. I don’t see myself as a highly intelligent young woman who knows better than men and women her own age. I just want better than what is currently being offered. I want more than what too many feel is okay to accept. My dream husband would not have to beg me to be patient with him and I would not have to beg him to see me as more than my body. when I write this list of my ideal partner, there’s not one aspect about it that is completely superficial. Of course, we all have things we would prefer in a partner. I would be willing to give it all up, though, if all of the personal characteristics and the interest and the goals remains the same though. Charlotte had to marry her perfect guy on paper to get Harry. She had to leave behind what happened to get to what was actually meant for her. Carrie doesn’t though and ends up with a man who gives her less than what she deserves and wants.

She sticks with a man who doesn’t work through any of their issues and to me It’s not just a horror story of being a doormat and never good enough for a man. It is a horror story of what happens when you are not true to yourself. I am strict on I do not want a man that doesn’t want kids and that doesn’t want to be married and that does not have bigger goals for himself then what is in front of him. This is partially my faith in God and if you’re not a religious person or spiritual person at the very least, most people are dreamers and we have impossible dreams, and I truly love people who dream bigger than what other people even think is possible. You’ve never sewn a day in your life but by 40 you want to have your own fashion house? Baby I will buy the sewing machine for you. You want to write a book but you don’t know where to start? I will recommend you resources by authors. Crazier things happen in the world than people achieving their dreams.

So yes, my dreams of wanting it all, the career and the husband and the family and the big house and the closet and the degrees and the knowledge may seem far fetched from where I’m sitting now but when they happen, it will be because I saw past who I am today and knew that that woman was always in me. I don’t just dream of having the perfect partner who loves and supports me and it’s kind and generous and faithful and intelligent and patient because I’m obsessed with love I dream of all of those things because I am capable of all of those things. I may not have him right now, but he’s out there so why would I settle for less than that? Why would I settle for a man who is cruel and who doesn’t like me and who doesn’t have a job? I want to be less cruel and I really like myself and I have a job. What you accept is a reflection of what you see when you look in the mirror.

I love love and I love consuming romance in the media because I love people and I love people loving each other. We need more love. We are a love starved generation. We have dozens of TV shows at this point probably of people trying to find love for some prize at the end because we’ve commodified love. We’ve lost the spirit of what it means to love. Love is in small details going out of your way to check on someone being a shoulder for them to lean on being the person they can come talk to allowing yourself to be vulnerable with them allowing yourself to show them the parts you keep hidden from the world. It’s not just about showing them the worst parts of yourself, it’s about saying these are the worst parts of myself and I love myself enough to fix them because I don’t want you to have to put up with the worst parts of myself. It’s an act of choosing to wake up with a smile on your face, even when you don’t wanna get out of bed, because you love yourself enough to be open to the possibilities of the world. Romanticizing love is not just about how it might affect the other person but how it might affect you.

Romanticizing a love that is not reciprocated is unhealthy. It’s one thing to joke about the what ifs, and have a little fun in the name of delusion, and imagine in a different world, but you exist in this one. You must pull yourself back to reality. There’s nothing more limiting than allowing yourself to be stuck on what is not for you. When you let go of that guy who you let lead you on all summer you invite a world of possibilities. You free yourself from expectations and reservations. you release the notion that maybe there could be something for the reality of a new chapter or journey.

so yes i believe in all consuming and obsessive connections but not at the expense of all the wonder of what life has to offer. the world is constantly changing and evolving and it stops for no one so don’t let your world stop for someone who wouldn’t stop the world for you. have high standards, a backbone, and release yourself from the shackles of needing perfection. when you let fate and luck and a bit of love lead you slowly but surely you find something beyond what you even thought to look for.