15: life before you know who you're gonna be...

On my father’s side of the family, most of the children were born at least a decade before I was. Growing up visiting my grandparents I was often the only child in the house. For a big part of my childhood I didn’t even know I had cousins because they were all adults off living their own lives raising their own children. So it was a surprise when I met my younger cousins Alley and Berto. In big families lines between cousins and siblings often blur. My closest cousins I regard as younger brothers and sisters, parts of me just as I am of them. We know each other better than almost anyone else and hide the darkest parts of ourselves and deepest dreams within each other. So of course, these interviews come almost like second nature to us.

It was 9:22pm when we sat down on the turquoise blue couch, limbs all mixed, and my monthly Spotify playlist shuffling in the background when I sat up and said you should let me interview you. And she shrugged and said “okay,” ever the enthusiastic participant in my antics.

ALZ: What's your name?

M: Mary Alice

A: Do you have any nicknames?

M: Alley or fuzzy ass or the fuzz

A: How old are you?

M: 15

A: When's your birthday?

M: august 11th

A: So that makes you a..?

M: Leo

A: You don't really have that Leo energy…

M: Well I don't really like your energy either

A: What's your favorite color?

M: green

A: do you have any best friends?

M: I have three best friends

A: what do you call your best friends do you guys have nicknames?

M: wally, sofi, and Nathaly

A: what's the worst part about being 15?

M: that you have a few more years until you're considered an adult…I guess

A: what's the best part about being 15?

M: I guess that I entered high school and I just find it more interesting than middle school and meeting new people

A: and you go to school in the city right?

M: yes

A: do you like it?

M: I do especially bc its close to the mall

A: do people your age still go to the mall?

M: I guess it depends if you want to see things physical unless you're like a homebody and just want to buy it online

A: do you spend more time online or in person with your friends?

M: does that include over the summer?

A: I guess just in general like overall

M: I spend more time online because I usually don't have the time to go over to their house because I have a lot of work or I get sent to other places

A: why do you get sent to other places? what kind of places?

M: I feel like I get sent to other places bc im more mature than my sibling so I have to help with other things. so I go to my other families house to help out or have fun in general

A: does it get annoying being the one that has to help out?

M: its a little annoying but because im helping out I get to hangout with the one person I like hanging out with them. they take me out and I have fun with them instead of just staying at home.

A: and you get sent to help out with our cousin is it weird hanging out with such a big age difference?

M: not really. they act like parents and I just feel like part of their family.

A: cause we don't have a huge age difference but I feel like you think Im weird…do you think im weird?

M: I think it depends on what we’re talking about like your music taste is weird

A: how is my music taste weird laughs

M: laughs I feel like its full of Taylor swift and if its not Taylor swift its some sad romcom song

A: im just emotional

M: you're a little too emotional side eye

A: what's that supposed to mean…?

M: the answer to your question

A: do you think you're cool?

M: I wouldn't say i’m cool but id say i’m a chill person and I can have fun with you. I can be the dumb one in the group. I actually am the dumb one in my friend group even though im the smart one.

A: do you feel like you have to play the part of the dumb one?

M: no I don't feel like I have to play the part of the dumb one I just like to turn my brain off if im not taking a test or doing homework

A: what about in school? what do you think your stereotype is?

M: there's no way im a jock so I'd definitely say somewhere in between social butterfly and nerd

A: you wear uniforms? do you feel like you can express yourself with them?

M: all we do is feel uniform shirts so I express myself with my pants or how much jewelry I wear or my hair. there's people with like kid backpack which is seniors and this dude with a huge book bag is like a book nerd or something.

A: do you feel like going to a big school is better or a small school?

M: there's pros and cons. small school you get to know everybody and you don't have to meet a lot of people, but a big school you don't have to do that no one really knows you.

A: do you think TikTok rots your brain?

M: I think it depends if you're watching brain rot videos like “what the sigma?” or like the “skibidi toilet” or like the “hawk tuah” im kinda brain rotted I kinda like the videos with the sounds and slow mo “hawk tuah”

A: what about social media in general? do you think its still cool?

M: I think its cool cause you get to see what everyones doing, but it can not be cool if you're stalking people just to stalk them side eye which you definitely don't do laughs

A: I don't stalk people its called research…

M: do they know? do they know about this research?

A: anyways so you think using social media to monitor people is bad?

M: I think to an extent because if you're obsessed over this person and you want to ruin him so that if you can't have him no one can than its not okay, but if you're not its okay like if you have a little crush you gotta see if they got a girlfriend.

A: do you have a crush right now?

M: I think I do

A: do you like having a crush? cause I feel like at 15 I would go crazy over my crushes

M: of course you would side eye let me stop chuckles I kinda do and I kinda don't because I want to feel free spirited and I don't want anything holding me back

A: do you feel like boys hold you back?

M: hesitates I feel like certain boys can hold you back and other boys can hold you up

A: I feel like that's a really profound statement do you think that comes from the way the men in our family are? like how the women really run the show?

M: what do you mean by that

A: like abuelo would be an example of a man holding you up and your younger brother would be a man holding you back

M: oh yes then.

A: would you rather abuela’s more traditional path or our tia’s more modern wait until later in life to settle down path?

M: I think both paths have some hardship, because they've both been through a lot. I think either way has had some bad, but I think our tia’s life because she went out and she had fun even though she had to come back and take care of everything.

A: do you want kids? because these paths are so different in that abuela raised kids for most of hers and tia would never have kids of her own, even though she helped raised all couple hundred of us.

M: hesitates maybe if I find the right person or I change my mind about finding the right person. if I don't settle by the time im 30-

A: 30 isn't old chuckles

M: okay 35 or 45

A: you can still have kids around that age laughs

M: not me if I don't have kids by then im not settling down, im just gonna live my life.

A: what kinda life do you wanna live? where's your dream city? do you think wanna stay in Miami?

M: maybe if the cost of living goes down, but if not I'd move to another city that is within my budget and good for my career.

A: and what's the career you wanna do?

M: I wanna deal with like criminals and cases. I think I want to be a crime scene investigator. what fascinates me is getting in the mind of the criminal and figuring out what actually happened.

A: do you think you have to focus on your career versus your love life? do you think there's no room for both?

M: if you can do both than do both, but if you can be easily sidetracked from school for love then don't. its not worth it to ruin your life over a guy.

A: that's incredibly mature of you to know so young that you don't have to tether yourself to a guy or marriage or kids. I think that even at 15 I knew I wanted those things and I would have to struggle with managing those both.

M: I just really want to focus on myself and do better.

A: do you think its weird that we have different paths? like do you look down on me for wanting to live a little more traditionally?

M: No I think everyone has their own wants. Sometimes I hate school and I think man I should just be a stay at home mom then im like nah. laughs like I belong in the kitchen maybe

A: which is like kinda ironic because I can barely cook laughs but I feel like I look like don't cook

M: yeah you don't look like you cook. I look like I can cook but only the basics really.

A: what are you most excited about since you just turned 15?

M: Im most excited for another year of life, another year close to graduating and living life, and figuring what college im gonna go to.

A: does life scare you?

M: not really just the responsibilities because mommy and daddy can't take care of you anymore. I’ll have to learn how to do a bunch of things by myself and then i’lll have to take care of my parents because they're getting old.

A: any final words for the world?

M: where can I even read this at?

A: are those your final words…?

M: no pauses just make good decisions, don't do anything stupid that can fuck up your future, and its my bedtime! laughs

After our conversation, I stayed up contemplating my own life at 15. How sure I was of my future, how inherently I knew myself. I think the older I get the more unsure I am of what I want to do and how to understand and grapple with all the parts of myself that no one sees, but I think there’s a reason we’re fearless at 15. We don’t care about the world, but we do. We do what we want despite the confusion of family and friends and they learn to accept these quirks and differences as who we are.